Hi from Ken and Jo…

There are times in our relationship that we now look back on and laugh. We’ve realised some of the stuff we said at the start of our relationship - with hindsight - is both funny and a little embarrassing; but it has provided us with the inspiration for writing this. Ken is a black man and I, Jo, am a white woman (we feel it’s appropriate to define our colours for the purpose of this blog). When we reflect, some of those memories, stories, passing comments and conversations we once thought nothing of we now realise might have been pretty naïve or reflected my white privilege. 

So, with the Black Lives Matter movement bringing systemic racism to the forefront of ours and everyone’s minds, and having attended a BLM protest, naturally, Ken and I have had a lot to talk about regarding our experiences of race and how racism will affect us as a couple.  We decided to explore the internet to see if there was any advice or any Facebook groups for interracial couples - what I was hoping to find, I actually didn’t know. Ken asked me, “What’s the purpose of this?” and “What are you wanting to find out?” And, although I wasn’t sure of what the outcome would be, I’d think, “we are all at the very least supposed to be talking about race, so what about how it affects relationships?” I know we’re open with each other and have had several conversations about race, but there is still so much we haven’t spoken about. Surely other couples are going through the same thing…

When we went online in search of blogs and advice pages written by interracial couples, all we found were things centred around either intimacy or fantasy books (something we definitely were not looking for). We couldn’t find anything on the topic of interracial couples having conversations about race, advice for interracial couples or even groups to connect with others who were also wanting to have these open conversations. It made me think, ‘is it because it’s just not a thing?!’ Are other couples just getting on with it or don’t really think about it? I guess we didn’t really either until recently. Perhaps it’s something that is needed but just isn’t being addressed yet. But… surely there isn’t really a better time to start having these conversations than right now?! 

We spoke to our friends who are in or have been in interracial relationships. From those conversations, we realised that the interracial couple experience is quite a unique one. One that possesses the usual relationship dilemmas such as “where are we spending Christmas this year?” and the slightly more complex decision of choosing where to live. 

So, what now…?

We have a few blog post ideas lined up to ignite what we think is a needed conversation. Although Ken and I have spoken about race quite a bit over the course of our eight year relationship, we haven’t really spoken explicitly about how our races and our ‘interracial’ label impacts how we and others view us. And, now we want to explore that with others in similar relationships. 

We’re going to be writing blogs on topics such as choosing where to live, learning and dealing with our families from different cultures. We would also value you telling us about your ideas/topics/stories that you find relevant. 

We’d love to try and create a space (we realise this could be a bit ambitious but if we don’t try, we will never know) where interracial couples can go to share experiences and advice. 

Now, we don’t think we know it all or have all the pearls of wisdom. We also recognise that interracial couples exist outside of a ‘black and white’ couple. But, we do think the things we are going to talk about will apply to other couples, and would love to hear your stories too/use the space to connect.  

We also hope our experiences can shed a light on interracial relationships for those who have no idea of the added complexities and dilemmas that come from living in the UK and being in an interracial relationship. 

At the very least, for both me and K, we just want to enjoy the process of unpicking the complexities we once turned a blind eye to while being accountable to sharing with you guys!

If you’ve made it this far, we appreciate your time and effort and hope that it will be somewhat useful in all our journeys going forward.

Love,

J&K.