Jo + BLM (Part 1)

2020 was a big year. For Ken and I it meant adjusting to COVID, getting into the swing of lockdown and being social over zoom. Then, amongst the global pandemic situation, George Floyd was killed.

Prior to this event, Ken and I had rarely discussed his experiences of racism and how the colour of his skin has impacted his life. Whenever a racist event happened - such as this one with George Floyd - I would express outrage and sadness that something so horrible had happened and Ken would say he’s not surprised, “It has always happened, and it always will”. But shortly before this I had read Akala, Natives. It raised some questions within me about how mixed-race children might have difficulty relating to their white parent as they are growing up. Ken and I had a brief conversation about this but didn’t really get ‘into it’. I suppose in hindsight we might have avoided delving deeper into the topic as it meant so much more was going to need to be discussed about race and racial inequality…

Following the killing of George Floyd, the growing BLM protests and social media activism, our conversations on our daily walks shifted. I wanted to learn. However, Ken needed to process what was going on. These were two very different needs.  Most importantly, Ken’s wellbeing was taking a hit. I wasn’t the only one with questions and soon Ken was flooded with messages from friends. Some to ask for advice, others to defend themselves as a white person and a few to ask how he was (note the few). This meant we had to navigate how Ken was, if he wanted to talk, if he wanted time to himself to process what was happening in the media or if he needed to sit on the PS4 for some distraction. There was a lot of restlessness and sleepless nights for a few weeks.

During this process for Ken, I was becoming aware of how I had failed to understand how Ken’s race impacts him - and I needed to change. I didn’t have a clue where to start! Social media was really helpful and educational, such as posts by Brandon K Good, which helped me to understand what Ken as a black man was going through during this time (Ken and I still hadn’t been able to break these barriers quite yet).  It also helped me to understand where I had gone wrong for so long. For instance, by saying phrases like “I was talking to this black guy” rather than “I was talking to this guy”. I learnt that I didn’t need to say his race because by saying this I was creating an irrelevant distinguishing difference between myself and him that didn’t need to be said.

After a few weeks, I had been eagerly reading (really recommend The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas to learn about racism through the eyes of a female teenager) and Ken and I had started to open up conversations, such as how he had been impacted by racism. I quickly noticed that the assumption I had created in my head about Ken was that he was removed from racism – things like being pulled over by police - because he has always been ‘the sensible one’. I was quickly proved wrong and this showed me how systemic and institutionalised racism is. Ken began to ask me after our daily walks if I had noticed the police cars parked up or that drove past and I had never noticed. He had always counted.

This was the start of our journey to discussing racism. I was becoming aware of my privilege and how unfair it was that Ken may be judged differently to me in the same situation – just because of the colour of our skin. This got us to thinking about writing about and sharing our experiences to connect with others that may be starting to or already having similar conversations.

I thought it was appropriate that I be the person to write this blog. I think - as the white person in this interracial relationship - I can use this space to share my process of beginning to understand the part I play in the racism that is ongoing today.

There will be a second part to this blog but I want to finish on the most important point of the piece. I realise I could use more neutral words such as being ‘unaware’ of my role in racism instead of saying I ‘failed’ to be aware of it. I feel, however, that it is our responsibility as white people to be honest and accept our role in perpetuating racism. Until we take responsibility and talk openly like this, there will be no change. We have to start becoming aware and actively stopping ourselves when we say or action something that puts white people in a different position in the hierarchy or prejudices someone of colour. We have to allow ourselves to enter into uncomfortable conversations and call ourselves out when we notice our outdated views, actions or speech in order to move into a place of equality.

I also want to get to writing about the good stuff, like celebrating how selfless Ken has been throughout this last year and helping and educating others, but we have to get through this difficult part first.

Let me know your thoughts and have a blessed week!

Jo