Dad Guilt
This is one of the biggest challenges I’ve been facing and am still grappling with. And I expect it’s something that, ultimately, I will have to learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable with… cliché much?
So, why feel guilty?
As a Dad there is only so much I can really do. During the pregnancy your main role is that of Supporter. Now, as much I can and did support Jo, it’s pretty difficult watching someone you love and care about being in that much discomfort and knowing two things: 1) that there’s not much you can do about it, and 2) you’re partially responsible for it 😏 😂.
Now this isn’t the case for all dads, as it depend on individual circumstances. For us, Jo is breastfeeding, so there are a lot of times when I want to be helpful, but… I lack the capabilities in the said department. Therefore, a lot of the late-night feeds were solely on Jo. Not only are the feeds keeping Jo awake, they drain her energy levels as well. So there’s a double whammy. Now that Yara is starting to eat solids, though, I can be more “useful”, in my eyes.
The big kicker, though, is being away from my two ladies. Because of work, and paternity leave being just two weeks, I, like many other dads/ partners, was at work before either of us knew it, and before we really knew what we were doing. Granted, I am blessed to work from home twice a week and we have very supportive parents who are always willing to help. However, this doesn’t stop the guilt of leaving Jo at home without me.
My guilt isn’t a reflection on Jo. She is a wonderful mother and has dealt with and navigated motherhood amazingly. My guilt derives from the fact that I feel like I am abandoning Jo and Yara at a point when I am needed the most. Babies are hard work. It takes a lot out of you, both physically and emotionally. And at the beginning you’re really just learning how to be a parent. So not being around left me feeling very uncomfortable.
Navigating guilt:
19 months down the line I still feel a certain way about going to work, playing football or seeing my friends. Y Basically, doing anything for myself. Time is precious and everything does go by so fast, as they say. On top of that, I have set this expectation of myself to be as involved in possible. Time is finite, between getting home from work, parenting, finding time for Jo and I, then having some ‘me’ time... naturally you drop one of those balls. And, me being me, that meant that I dropped the ball on doing things that were good for my own energy levels and wellbeing. The reason for dropping the ball was noble: I already spend enough time away from home at work, so spending more time away to go play football, or catch up with my friends, just felt selfish, and reinforced the feeling of leaving Jo and Yara behind.
Ironically, dropping the ball on things for myself meant that I wasn’t the usual energetic and annoying husband Jo chose to marry. Instead, I was just grumpy and annoying and that’s just not fun 😂. The thing is, I knew I needed to do these things for myself in order to be in a better place, although recognising how I would do them was my issue. See, I am a protective person by nature, and I assume (dangerous game I know) most new Dads are too, and that they want to ensure their families are safe. What I have learnt in this process is that I had to put my ego to one side and trust that Jo would communicate with me about whether my going football or catching up with friends worked with her from an energy point of view, and about how Yara was doing. In doing so, it took the pressure off me in making that decision. Also, the reassurance reinforced the importance of me doing things for myself. And that Jo was also on board with it.
Obviously plans change and that’s just life. Having that foundation and ability to communicate to Jo that on this date I am going to do ‘XYZ’ allows me to 1) feel more connected to Jo and Yara and that I am not abandoning my duties as a Dad, and 2) ensure that I am making sure I’m doing things that are important to me and not losing my identity as an individual, in an amongst juggling Dad, Ken, and ‘work Ken’.
Share this with a Dad, let me know what you think
