Outsiders even on the inside

It’s Jo – makes a change! Ken’s been leading the way with our page/content, so far it’s been a busy couple of years as you know and tricky to get time to write when a little one (and mummy) likes to be together 24/7. So, time for me to take the reins for a bit. 

I am actually sat in a coffee shop alone(!) for the first time since before having Yara. I go back to work in a few weeks and we are practicing some childcare sessions with grandparents in the hope she’ll be slightly settled when I go back. I wanted to write about this strange mix of feelings in the transition back to work but I feel conflicted as something’s cropped up over the last 24 hours and I feel this is more important to write about. This could reflect my denial about wanting to even think about returning to work after maternity leave, but I’ll deal with that next! 

So, maternity leave…overall it has been an amazing experience. Being able to share my days watching a little baby develop and focus on her, countless baby groups, coffee dates and park walks has been wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, it’s probably been the most challenging experience of my life too, including completing a very intense psychology course. 

Anyway, whilst getting used to being parents, Ken has spoken about the lack of resources for dads and it hit me yesterday what a bloody lonely place it can be. Lonely in terms of being new to the area, new to a job and new to being a dad. But within the not-so-new context of being a person of colour.  

I hope that in my journey of allyship (if that is the correct term) I have been working on recognising inequalities within society and starting to speak up about them. I’ve referred to my journey of building an awareness of social inequalities and beginning to understand how to advocate for them. From before, and since having Yara, I’ve known that I will be hypervigilant to inequalities that will affect her individually and us as a family. Where we now live is more diverse than where we last lived, in Hampshire. I am in no way saying there are less inequalities where we live now (that would be extremely naïve), however there have been less conflicts so far with having a mixed-race baby, than expected. There have been a couple of interesting experiences but, I don’t want to go into detail here as I want to talk about them another time. However, I will say I haven’t had any arguments yet, other than with a dog walker who could have put Yara in danger, but that’s for another time and a lot more eye rolls from Ken. 

Anyway! I joined one of the Facebook groups for mums in my area when I first had Yara – great for resources and free events, especially when I didn’t have a clue about the wider area or any baby events that weren’t widely advertised and had silly prices. A couple of days ago I thought I’d struck gold when I saw a post advertising a dad group – a WhatsApp group you could sign up to straight away and had regular meet ups at a local church hall, throw in a bacon sarnie and you’re sold. I’m veggie and Ken isn’t, so I knew that alone was a selling point for Ken straight away. I was buzzing – maybe finally a resource for Ken, and he could experience the joy I get when I take Yara to a group. Some daddy and daughter time, great! And some alone time for me, the possibilities are endless! Although just thinking about being able to dry my hair without little hands pulling my hair out sounds a win. (Mums will know the importance of holding on to as much hair postpartum as possible is ideal!)

So Ken joined the WhatsApp group and noticed one of these off-the-cuff comments from one of the regular dads who was looking forward to the group but hoped no one from the ‘woke’ brigade or ‘trans’ brigade takes offence at the advert for dads. This comment to most of the group, I’m sure was an amusing comment. Especially because does anyone really know what ‘woke’ truuuuly means?! It’s batted about a lot within the media and is often portrayed, from my perspective, as the younger generation talking up too much for their rights and no one can say anything anymore without them taking offence. The narrative is that people who are ‘woke’ are a hassle to deal with and we should all just ‘get on with it’. Stiff upper lip, avoid conflict at all costs British culture to the core. 

 Let’s take a minute to put the ‘woke’ label into context. The term ‘woke’ popularised in the 1940’s is derived from African American English and means to be alert to racial prejudice and discrimination. In the present day it’s meaning has spread and has been utilised to encompasses social inequalities.  

 So this guy firstly had no context to bring this comment up. Literally pulled it out of thin air to make a joke, which shows others he doesn’t want to deal with any type of ‘difference’. Only he will know if it was knowingly or unknowingly discriminatory. And even if someone had realised how offensive this comment could be, they had already been silenced. If they had said anything, they would have risked being tarnished with the ‘woke brigade’ which he made clear was not wanted in this group. Fortunately, Ken has a thick, or weathered, skin. We agreed it would be appropriate to say something. Not because he identifies as trans, but because this group now seemed to be excluded – an experience he could very well relate to. Ken being well versed in ‘saying something’ worded a simple response and said not sure the point of that comment was? Someone immediately leapt to this person’s defence, saying they knew this commentor and they wouldn’t have meant any offence. Ken then wrote back to say although no offence was meant, it wasn’t very inclusive to make comments like that etc. Needless to say, no one wrote back, and the group remained silent…the group carried on as normal today, people being added to the group and introducing themselves. 

 The silence of the group from across populations, other than to defend the sarcastic comment struck me. It wasn’t a surprise to me (it might have been a year ago) as I’ve learnt it is more comfortable to defend the person we see ourselves as more similar to. If people in that group agreed with Ken’s comment, it would mean the original commentor was wrong and that’s doesn’t feel comfortable as maybe we all have some work to do. 

 It made me reflect on my colleagues of colour during my course, when we sat in reflective practices (which can be uncomfortable at the best of times) talking about inequalities, about how I wanted to defend my actions and lack of speaking up by not wanting to say ‘the wrong thing’. However, then understanding that saying nothing is actually worse, even if it is the wrong thing, at least we can be corrected and learn from it. It then made me think about Ken’s position within this group – so hopeful at a potential forum of dads, support and possible friends. Also, was this another battle he really wanted to fight when he has so many daily battles as a man of colour? So, by him making the decision to speak up, he might have done the right thing by trying to be inclusive, but in reality he would be judged if he ever showed up to the group and probably feel even more isolated. Again, Ken is in a new area, new job and still a new dad with lack of resources. 

 I wanted to bring attention to this as I’ve been thinking about how I might act in these similar situations. I said to Ken that I could get involved in the WhatsApp group - some women were enquiring on behalf of their partners. Ken brought an awareness to the fact that I don’t need to fight his battles or jump on what he’s said in defence of him. I agree, I wanted to jump in because he always has so many battles to fight and this was my way to take some of the weight. But would I then come across as the ‘white saviour’? So, what part do I/could I have to play in this? Being in a majority – white, female, mummy I can speak up about these things and not risk losing part of my identity as there are always more mum groups and people who look like me. We decided I’d let this one go, but how can I go about similar situations in the future that don’t make me look like I’m fighting other’s battles or piping up just to say something and pass blame?

 I think there is a fine line between advocating for others and playing the ‘white saviour’. In all honesty I think this is going to take a while for me to master because I am quick to get angry, leap to defend Ken (sometimes why, I don’t know, when he is a big guy and I’m a little lady!) or Yara at any slight comment someone may make/injustice I see. However, I am aware that I need to continually work on speaking non-judgementally when I see/experience injustice, rather than hitting the blame button (which I really want to do when I see stuff like above) which ultimately has the opposite effect in the long-run. It’s one to continually reflect on and grow from, for sure.