So what about Dad?

So, what about Dad? 

Before anyone gets triggered, let’s get one thing straight: I am not trying to take away from, or belittle the enormous burden that women undertake throughout pregnancy and beyond. The expectation and demand placed on women is indescribable. Yet, it doesn’t feel like these same expectations are placed on us Dads - which I find somewhat troubling. I’ve only been a dad for a few moments, so I could be a little naive - but I have noticed some interesting patterns so far. Let me explain…

It’s Optional?

 Jo and I attended a good number of antenatal classes together - probably five in total, and all of these online. I also went to most of the midwife appointments.

 One common theme that I found in all those antenatal classes was the idea that it was compulsory for the women to be there and optional for the Dad.  Of course, it was never explicitly communicated in that way… yet the way conversations were framed, this was always alluded to. For example, on more than one occasion I heard something along the lines of “this is a good time to get your partner”, or “your partner should be here for this bit”. Here I am, sitting there thinking, why aren’t they watching this already?

My mindset is this: it took both of you to make this baby, you both better know what you can do to help. Let’s keep it real, men have it pretty EASY. No carrying a baby for 9 months, no creating a whole organ to feed your child, not having to contend with all the hormones, tiredness, back and joint pains. Oh, and there’s the giving birth part, of course. So, the very least that you can do is to be present, right? Perhaps I am rogue in having these thoughts. It seemed so normal that the dad would pop in for a brief amount of time before leaving, or that was the expectation of them at least.

 A similar thing would happen throughout Jo’s midwife and post-pregnancy appointments. I’d attend the appointment with Jo, and for the whole appointment they would speak to Jo as if I wasn’t even in the room. And it made me wonder: if we want Dads to be more empowered and involved, then surely including them throughout the process is essential, right? Where are men meant to learn these skills if they are not being included at the very beginning and given similar support throughout the whole process? I mean, it’s well documented  that having a positive father, or father figure, is important for child development. But how do we support and educate dads to help them become that?

The first thing I searched when we found out we were pregnant was how I can support Jo as her husband. Shock horror, the list of resources for Dads was minimal - outrageously short - but this was not surprising. I am lucky in the sense that 1) I am Physiotherapist, so I have a good amount of knowledge about anatomy and physiology and 2) I’ve worked on hospital wards, so I know how hospitals work and how to get the most out of any and all appointments. However, not a lot of men and partners have that luxury. Next, I went and bought a book called ‘Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond’, by Marie Louise, for both of us to read.  P.S. I would recommend buying for any expecting to be parents   to read.

Only 2 weeks?

Let me not get started on the fact paternity leave is only two weeks. What I would love to know is what is expected to be achieved in this time period for all involved? Of course, bills need to be paid, but let’s look across Europe and other parts of the world, where paternity leave is considerably more substantial. Leading the way are Japan and South Korea, with both countries offering up to a full year of paternity leave. Sweden offers up to 14 weeks in total, and Spain 12. The financial package differs between those countries; however, I would quite happily take anything longer than two weeks.  

Ok, let’s be real, a lot of parenting is learning from experiences and responding to your baby’s individual needs. Now, how are dads supposed to learn these skills if they are having to go to work just two weeks later?

Furthermore, what message are we inadvertently telling men. Are we not just reinforcing this same narrative that the man is predominantly there to provide financial, or occasional support? What about providing emotional support for their child too? Or is that not allowed, so to speak, or given any importance?

I truly believe that the better dads are supported, the better parents they can be and the better spouse they can be too. I now understand why people say parenting is the hardest job in the world.

It would make life a little easier if both parties were properly prepared and educated. Let’s be honest, it took both parties to make the bundle of joy, so why shouldn’t both parties be as involved as possible in growing and nurturing that child? And for as long as possible?